Marcy Wujkowski, 
                                                                                        M.A., LLP, LPC

To every woman who impacts the life of a child, it's a pleasure to be writing to you and I hope you take the time today to soak in and evaluate the ideas that I will share with you on loving your children.  In my practice at Desert Streams Christian Counseling, one of my areas of specialty is counseling with children, adolescents and their families.  I bet you can guess the most asked about issue with children and teens in my practice!  If you guessed discipline, you guessed right!  Understandably, everyone is seeking interventions that prove successful in changing their child or teens unwanted attitude or behavior.  In fact, let me share some common concerns I hear from parents about their children and maybe you'll find one strikingly familiar:  "My daughter is driving me crazy, no matter what I do to discipline her, nothing works!  My son never listens to me - I can tell him to do something a hundred times and he just won't do it!  My son talks back to me constantly.  I've taken everything away from him but he doesn't care!"  Anything sound familiar?  Many parents who experience their children not listening, not following directions or misbehaving jump to the conclusion that they are simply not disciplining severe enough or that their child is being intentionally defiant.  I do believe that ineffective discipline is sometimes the answer to a childs misbehavior.  Others of you are raising "strong willed children" who can be more challenging.  Some children simply mature slowly and so parents are dealing with immaturity, and sometimes a true clinical emotional or behavioral problem exist. 

While our culture is overflowing with the latest behavior modification techniques and discipline tools (and rightfully so as parents we are called to discipline and train our children) I would rather not pursue the latest of these techniques in this discussion.  I would like to step out of the box of how our culture is pursuing our children these days and talk about a topic a lot closer to a mother's heart; her love for her children.  Believe it or not, this is directly correlated with effective discipline and parenting anyways!  Love has everything to do with it, so I encourage parents to love their children effectively.  Sound strange to love your child "effectively?"  Let me explain.  It is my opinion that our culture tends to be narrow minded and only values certain characteristics or specific strengths in our children.  We spend so much time on where are children are not  measuring up.  It can become easy for parents to fall into the trap of loving their children conditionally with our cultures intense value of achievement academically, athletically, socially, materially, etc.  It seems extreme competition these days is the norm.  Parents need to be careful not to praise and reward accomplishment more regularly than loving a child simply because they are a gift from God.  Parents must live their lives in a way that shows their children they value their unique strengths and abilities despite whether or not they made the soccer team, scored highest in the class or had their project displayed in the art fair.  I feel like the pursuit of our children in today's world tends to neglect loving our children unconditionally; a key ingredient in their critical upbringing. 

                                                

Let's take a look at the difference between loving our child conditionally vs. unconditionally.  Conditional love depends on something other than the child just being herself or himself.  It is often based on performance or some condition that is met.  Often the child is rewarded with your time, affection or approval after the condition is met.  Conditional love says "you are worthy of my love only when you do something I desire."   If we love conditionally, only in return for good behavior, we will see our child as bad when they don't meet the condition.  This provides a false sense of security and a false sense of hope in children.  Children begin to believe that they are only worthwhile and loved when they achieve or do something to please somebody else. 

Ok, so unconditional love has to be a whole lot better and it is!  Unconditional love accepts and affirms a child for who they are not for what they do.  No matter what they do or don't do you still love them.  This means we love regardless of what our child looks like, regardless of their assets, deficits, liabilities, disabilities, regardless of what we expect them to be and regardless of how they act.  It does not mean that we like or condone all of their behavior or that we give and show love all of the time.  It does mean that we discipline.  This kind of love is not lenient and it doesn't put up with disrespect. It is powerful; it allows children to make mistakes and know that they are still loved as they live with the consequences of those mistakes. 

It is also false that a child can be spoiled by too much unconditional love.  A lack of training or inappropriate love will spoil a child.  This happens when parents don't discipline or when children are given everything they want.  Also, when parents don't follow through with discipline, or are inconsistent, children don't understand limits and boundaries.  Inappropriate love trains incorrectly because it is based on conditions that must be met in order for love to be given.  In fact, when we consider the effectiveness of discipline in a child's life it is directly correlated to their feeling loved unconditionally.  When your child feels loved unconditionally they are much easier to discipline, and more likely to respond to parental guidance without resentment, than when they are feeling loved based upon conditions that must be met. 

                            


Please don't mistake me, I'm not saying that if your child is having behavior problems or not responding to discipline that you are not loving them.  There are many variables to consider in the life of a child and family dynamics when it comes to behavior problems and effective discipline and parenting.  I am, however, suggesting that the way in which we love our children is very important and that it can make discipline more effective; both are necessary ingredients for child rearing.  I'm also suggesting that as parents we need to jump off the cultural bandwagon and consider the love angle with our children just as much as we consider the discipline angle.  Remember, when your child experiences your unconditional love this instills hope and security, and you will likely experience an improvement in their attitude and behavior.  Pay attention to your responses (your words and actions) to your childs accomplishments and failures, likes and dislikes, good behavior and bad behavior, favorable choices and unfavorable choices, etc.  How does your child feel about themselves when you respond to them?  How does your child think you feel about them?  Do they feel accepted by you?  Are you sending a message of conditional or unconditional love to your child?   

Marcy Wujkowski, M.A., LLP, LPC is a Limited Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor at Desert Streams Christian Counseling in Kalamazoo.  She serves adults, children, adolescents, couples and families.  She specializes in depression, anxiety, trauma recovery, grief and loss, spiritual growth, marriage counseling and children's issues.  She strives to provide meaningful practical information that people can apply to their everyday life and achieve success.  She is married and the mother of two young children.